For the Record

Kristen and I did some further discussion about Imaginary Baseball World. In fact, we went through each position player.

You there in the back, it's not very couth of you to make such a suggestion about my life, or lack thereof. I'll thank you to keep quiet.

Anyway, wanna hear it? Here it go.

Terry Francona:

Me: Terry Francona is like a family friend who's a father figure. He teases me good-naturedly but will sit down and give me advice when I need it.

Kristen: Mostly he is like a snarky uncle.

Tim Wakefield:

Me: Tim Wakefield and I are friends in private, but not in public. Have you ever had a friend like that? Like, someone you ignore in a group of people, but one on one, you talk together a mile a minute? No? Just me? You in the back...

Kristen: I do not believe I have an Imaginary Baseball World relationship with Tim Wakefield.
Me: I think you do, you just haven't explored it. Because you have a conception of Tim Wakefield.
Kristen: Right. I just feel like Timmy is always exasperated.
Me: Like Steve Brady exasperated?
Kristen: Less effusive. More like, "These fucking guys again."

Buelly:

Me: Buelly is the guy I have a HUGE obsessive crush on that I never get the nerve to actually reveal my feelings to, but whom I torture myself hanging around with all the time "as friends" and going on pseudo-dates with while he remains either clueless or avoidant.

Kristen: I now can't not think of Buelly in a sexual way. I can't not. I like, groaned in the restaurant when he was at bat and scared the crap out of [friend].

Manny:

Me: Manny is probably my best friend besides David. Manny and I hang out and hardly speak, but we spend quality time nonetheless. Just sitting there with each other. Manny always does little things to show I'm important to him, like saving the seat next to him for me when we go out with a bunch of people.

Kristen: Manny totally calls at 2:15 in the morning and says, "Have you ever seen Austin Powers?" And you go, "Uh, yeah, dude. It's uh, 2:15 in the morning. Is that all you called about?" And he goes, "Do you want to come over for some Cheerios?"

Johnny:

Me: Johnny wants to impress me, but I constantly verbally cut him down. He kind of never gets it and somehow still thinks I'm nice.

Kristen: Johnny never shuts up. You go to the movies with Johnny and you get shushed all the time becuase he spends the entire movie going, "That was that guy who was in that movie that I saw with Manny. Did you ever see that movie?"

Trot:

Me: Trot and I like each other ok, but we're always butting heads. Our personalities clash and our mutual intensity fans the flames. Secretly, I admire the shit out him, but I'd never let him know it.

Kristen: Trot storms around the house while I cook dinner and keeps going on and on about "What the hell's wrong with venison?"

Kapler:

Me: Kapler and I like to go and see art-house flicks and then sit at Borders for four hours debating their meaning. Kapler tends to "play devil's advocate" all the time, then ask me why I'm irritated.

Kristen: Kapler likes to hold intense discussions about religion and third world debt and things and he keeps getting frustrated when Manny starts giggling. He also wears those bifocal glasses in an attempt to make the smart people take him more seriously. Plus, he keeps petitioning MENSA to let him in even though he just misses the requirements.

Millar:

Me: Millar is the guy I have the relationship with that Billy has with me.

Kristen: Millar and I are drinking buddies. We get bombed on Jack and Coke's and when we run out of that, we get frozen Coke's and ghetto Jack from 7-11 and end up stumbling down the street and going, "No, dude, be cool" as we walk by cops.

Bellhorn:

Me: I don't talk to Bellhorn much. He and I are like oil and water.

Kristen: Bellhorn keeps distracting me by yapping about Marxism and Chinese food while I'm trying to work.

Edgar:

Me: Edgar is a tough nut to crack. I make small talk with him sometimes, but he baffles me.

Kristen: Edgar eats TV dinners with real silverware. He cuts everything into very small pieces so that he doesn't choke. He eats them while watching Wheel of Fortune which, for some reason, fascinates him.

Tek:

Me: Tek and I are simpatico. We think the same way. We implicitly understand each other. Once in a blue moon, we'll drown our sorrows together at a dark Irish bar and hold forth bitterly on the state of the world. Together, we are an unstoppable team at any board or card game.

Kristen: I plead the fifth on Tek. Except that he's totally going to have binders and spreadsheets on his daughter's prospective dates in 15 years. He'll have all their old report cards. He'll ask very sternly what the B in conduct was about in fourth grade.

Belli:

Me: Dougie makes me laugh. His humor is nasty and raunchy and I love it. Dougie is the only person I know who can run up to me and fart, and I'll laugh.

Kristen: Dougie always makes jokes that are slightly off-color and he's a little too loud. One time, he laughed so hard at his own joke that he choked on an egg roll.

Curt Schilling:

Me: Curt Schilling and I are secretly lovers. Like, ultra-secretly. Like, I'd perjure myself in court about it. But it's true and kind of everyone knows it, but I get very angry if anyone hints about it and will swear up and down it's not happening.

Kristen: I can't watch CSPAN with Curt Schilling because he talks over it. And not like normal people do when they just yell at the TV. Curt actually tries to reason with it all, "Yes, Senator, I see your point, but what I'm saying is this." And if you roll your eyes at Curt, he scolds you. And you do not want to be scolded by Curt.

Matt Clement:

Me: I am constantly defending Matt Clement from hazing and torture by his teammates. I mean, constantly. But usually after I get done breaking up some nastiness, Clement will turn to me in gratitude and I'll give him the hand and walk away, cause damn. The guy doesn't deserve to suffer a lethal wedgie, but he is annoying.

Kristen: Matt Clement is fond of peanut butter and fluff sandwiches. But he's allergic to nuts so you have to get soy peanut butter. And he doesn't like the seedy things in jam so he has to go for fluff. But, naturally, it always get stuck in his goatee. They need to be cut into triangles.

David Wells:

Me: David Wells and I hate each other. We have had to be separated on a number of occasions. David Wells is an asshole and a bastard and I'd bite him in the neck if I could.

Kristen: David Wells, surprisingly, is quite a giggler.

Wade Miller:

Me: Wade Miller and I had one exchange that was fraught with misunderstanding, and haven't talked since.

Kristen: Wade does the scene from Taxi Driver in the mirror all the time. Like, all the time. It doesn't work for him, becuase he's balding and not tough, but god bless him, he tries.

Mike Timlin:

Me: Mike Timlin and I like to go to arcades together and play shooting games till our fingers are numb and he's chewing his gum like he wants to murder somebody. I'll laugh at him and he'll snap, "What?" And then we'll have a twenty-minute issue over just what I thought was so funny. Then we go pull pranks at a mall food court. Then we go sit outside a convenience store and smoke and holler at passerby.

Kristen: Timlin and his wife are totally always going at it in the clubhouse. The whole rest of the team is so used to opening a supply closet door or going into the training room and being like, "Whoops, sorry Timmy." And then they close the door and sort of gesture over their shoulder, "Just Tim and Dawn again, guys."

Keith Foulke:

Me: I have a love triangle with Keith Foulke and Curt. Curt is hostile toward Keith for this reason. Keith could care less. He and I are basically friends with benefits. Sometimes I think I could really have a relationship with Keith, but this is usually when he decides to come around acting like an utter bastard-ass prick.

Kristen: Foulke and I watch hockey together. And he gets mad when I cite all the reasons that there is no need for a professional hockey team in Phoenix. He gets very intense in these arguments too. He starts getting all mad and bites his lower lip and then he just yells, "It's 'cause people don't understand!" And then you tell him, "Dude, calm down, I'm just messin' with ya." And he goes, "Uh, yeah, I know. It's just, I get mad when people don't appreciate hockey."

Papi:

Kristen: I like your Papi one. Especially the part where you run into him and he gives you a huge hug and says, "What's up, baby?" He'd totally do that.

Feel free to embrace your own insanity below.

P.S. Please see also the "Which Red Sox would you want on your side in a fight?" discussion over at Kristen's.

Comments

[Boston Fan in Michigan]

*slow applause*

[Amy]

Bill Mueller reminds me of the guy in high school who was nice and always explained the math equation you didn't get. He had no idea how hot he was and he had the same girlfriend for two years, and she wasn't ridiculously hot, just really nice and sweet and cute.

So you could never hate them.

I think too much. And, tequila.

[mrbandw]

Those are pretty funny!

[Emma]

Magnificent.

Bronson is the guy who's all shy and quiet when it's a big group of people, but when it's one or two of us, he's got us rolling on the floor laughing. He's always up for one of those hour-long stream of consciousness phone conversations. He's the guy I watch Lord of The Rings with at 1 in the morning, and he's always up for going over for Tommy's for pizza.

[beth]

HOW COULD WE FORGET BRONSON

Me: Bronson and I got really drunk and made out once. Now things are awkward.

Kristen?

[Kristen]

Bronson follows me around all the time with his guitar asking me if he thinks playing an Edwin McCain song will make a girl listen to him. I spend a lot of time giving him a pitying look because he gets very excited about it. God love him, he tries, but he's so awkward. Also, his voice sometimes cracks on the high notes.

[Martha]

Fantastic. Suddenly my rich inner life doesn't feel so wierd. Particularly about dear Billy Mueller. It's like, we're been friends for years, but I've been in love with the him the whole time. And he comes over to my place at night and we get a little drunk and talk about serious things, and he makes that serious, focused face and I keep thinking to myself, "Kiss him, you dork. Just DO IT." But then I always chicken out.

[Cathryn]

David Wells thinks it's hilarious that I don't like to get too smashed when I go out, so when we're out in a group he's always trying to buy me drinks and insisting that I try this or that. I am frugal and polite so I give in in spite of myself.

And after David's gotten trashed and lost track of me, Bronson's the one who makes sure I get home okay.

[Dan]

1)Hilarious post - too many good parts to chose from - though the Cheerios bit might be the best by a smidgen.

2)Imaginary Baseball World - a brilliant way to describe the way many of us interact with our Sox.

As for me...

Big Papi and I like to BBQ. We go through a case of Miller High Life each time - at least. He tells these awful jokes - like knock knock joke bad - but I can't help but laugh because they're soooo bad and Big Papi crakcs himself when he tells them.

I give a Wake a big hug whenever I see him. This embarasses him since he's not the most demonstrative guy, but he understands 'cos we go way back, ya dig? Sometimes when everybody else has gone home, we stay up late and talk about old times and departed teammates. Game Five 1999 ALDs is a favorite topic.

I am forever helping Edgar with his homework.

[Emma]

//And after David's gotten trashed and lost track of me, Bronson's the one who makes sure I get home okay.//

awwwwwwwwwwww.

Boomer's that friend of mine who's always getting me to do weird adventurous shit, like bungee jumping, but he's right there beside me, so it's okay. And we sing old Irish drinking songs on St. Patrick's Day, out of tune and completely smashed.

[Sammy]

Martha,
Don't ever chicken out when thinking about kissing a guy. That's our job. We can be rejected, get the cheek turn for a peck only (aka utter humiliation) or worse, the dreaded, "what are you doing?" response. On the other hand there has never ever in the history of mankind been a man who declined a kiss from a woman.

[akaellen]

Bronson is the guy that I totally have a crush on even though after spending some time with him I realize he's sort of a geek. I like to take him to parties and get him to play his guitar.

Tony G is the friend who I'd call if I needed to have somebody offed -- we often go to the bar for beers.

Whenever I feel like going to the playground I call Manny. He loves the swings and will push you on the roundabout until you want to puke.

[Brooke]

Bronson was the guy in 2nd grade who ate paste then stuck his tongue to the wall and got furious applause. We still talk about that when we're sitting on my living room floor drinking beers and listening to Pearl Jam LPs.

Kevin takes me through the Dunkin Donuts drive through on his bike. And we gun the engine and laugh hysterically as soon as the person comes on to take our order.

Manny brought me some finger paints, which we ended up using to make a tie die shower curtain.

Billy always says he wants to come over and just watch movies, and we always end up making out on the couch.

Gabe is great at putting outfits together. The guy has amazing taste in shoes!

Trot will talk your ear off about why red Puma stripes are better than white, and how he thinks the time is now for drilling natural gas off the coast of North Carolina.

Edgar would much rather curl up with a bowl of tomato soup and watch Days of our Lives.

[addicted2redsox]

Great post girls.
Had to add 2 of my own:

Mark: Mark is totally my friend I only see when we show up at Cab's bar on the same night. We don't have each other's numbers or even know the other's last name. But damn we always have the beast freaking time together. ALWAYS.

Billy: Billy & I dated in college while at Southwest Missouri State. He went on to become Billy Ballgame and I went off to medical school. Through mutual friends we stay abreast of each other's accomplishments and families. We meet every now and then through such mentioned friends. The mutual desire seems to almost kill us but yet we cannot bring ourselves to cause each other any problems.

[deedee]

I could, potentially, write a long and explicit narrative about the things I've done with Billy in my imaginary baseball world.

I'll spare you the details.

Excellent, top-shelf post! I laughed, I cried, I yearned for more.

[beth]

i wonder if billy knows what a total chick magnet he is!

[Kristen]

//I'll spare you the details.//

Trust me, we know them. Do we ever.

[Futureman]

Wells and I are compadres. We used to race around town in his 71 Chevy Nova. He used to let me drive although I was 2 years younger than him. In High School he could always get us beer even before he was 21. He briefly dated my older Sister but that ended ugly because he couldn’t commit and she broke it off. He comes over to my house now on Weds nights to play cards and he always bluffs and bet big. His dog craps all over my lawn. My wife leaves when he comes over. He yells curses out his car window at my neighbors when we drive through my neighborhood. He would give you the shirt off his back.

[sarah]

edgar is that friend that you only call every once in awhile, but when you do get around to calling them they are inevitably in the middle of some sort of emotional crisis. i have to go over to edgar's apartment for a quick visit just to check up on him because i'm worried about him, and when i get there i have to clean up his place for him because it's a total shambles. while i'm doing his dishes i'll probably have to listen to him break down and cry, and i will have to give him the "get your shit together this is not that bad" speech, and then we'll go out and get taco bell together or something and edgar will spend his end of the conversation optimistically rationalizing how his life got so out of control. then we won't talk again for three months.

manny is the guy i call every other day and we talk mad shit about edgar and what a fuck up he is and spend the rest of the conversation talking about cool cars/women/cellphones/mp3 players we want.

[Dave]

//i wonder if billy knows what a total chick magnet he is//

Oh yeah the dude knows.

[beth]

and how do YOU know he knows?

[Dave]

///and how do YOU know he knows?///

A friend of my sister's, lets just say, told him so.

[Karina]

I am so glad I'm not the only one with an imaginary baseball world. It's like my own private soap opera.

Bronson-
Bronson and I are having a steamy affair (as in, quickie in the dugout tunnel kind of affair. Yeah, he sneaks me in.) It's passionate but I know he's never going to leave his wife.

Johnny-
He's a drinking buddy of mine. He thinks I'm attracted to him, because he thinks ALL females are attracted to him, but I'm really not. I just have a ton of fun hanging out with him. Same exact thing with Kapler.

Tek-
I don't know Tek very well because he's a big family man and rarely comes out with the rest of us. He's happiest when he's home with the wife and kids. He's nice but a little too serious sometimes.

Clement-
Matt is I defended all through our school years because he was geeky and got teased a lot. He is one of my sweetest, most loyal friends, and I often go to his house for barbecues with his family. If he ever found out about my affair with Bronson, he'd have a hard time forgiving both of us.

Mueller-
Mueller is the guy who wanted to date me in high school but I was never interested because he was a nice guy and I only liked the "bad boy" type. I still kick myself for missing out.

Bellhorn-
Mark is quiet and nice. I'm always on the lookout for a nice girl for him. He's ready to settle down.

Wells-
David and I are great friends. Despite his image, he has a heart of gold and would defend me to the very end. He's a different guy when he's with his guy friends, though, which gets on my nerves sometimes.

Manny-
Manny is the guy who was always in trouble in high school, but always got out of it by charming the teachers. I could always stop by his apartment any hour of the day or night, and he'd be there with a bunch of other people, eating pizza and drinking beer and watching Ren & Stimpy. His door was always open. If I drank too much, he'd tuck me in and put my car keys in a safe place - but then forget where he put them the next day.

Geez, I need my OWN blog for all this. Sorry for hogging your guestbook, but this is too much fun!!!

[rebecca]

wow. nice.

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Great work and pretty colors!
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