Eric Byrnes and the Case of the Evil Porn 'Stache

You know the injury bug has hit the Sox hard when players are getting hurt between innings. Sure, Danny Haren can make a diving play to catch a bunt from Coco, landing on his pitching arm, and still hold the Sox scoreless for several innings afterwards. But let Mike Lowell and Kevin Youkilis try to play a little Around the Horn between innings, and a freak bounce on an uncharacteristic throw from the world's smoothest third baseman will somehow elude the lightning reflexes and glove of the world's all-time most error-free first baseman, and instead launch itself directly at his right eyeball.

Next thing you know, we're back from commercial with Brandon Moss up at bat for Youkilis, even though we just saw Youk not two minutes ago. We literally take our eyes off him for the length of a commercial break, and then there's Moss.

I don't know about you, but I prefer the apparently false sense of security I've had until now that when I get up for some chips while another Southwest Airlines commercial's on, all the players that had been on the field for the Red Sox one freakin' minute ago will be there when I get back. Not being sent to Mass General for a CT scan of their heads.

Given this obviously abnormal, even evil, series of events, I'm forced to turn to the supernatural for explanation--and me? I blame Eric Byrnes and his clearly demonically possessed porn 'stache for bringing evil energies into the ballpark. Because Jesus Christ, look at that thing.

Since the visitor's dugout is located just near third base, where the throw that maimed Youkilis originated, it would make sense for the 'stache to have been the perpetrator, casting its spells from its vile perch on Byrnes' upper lip. Personally, I think the Sox' first move should have been to beat the 'stache into submission and remove it from Fenway, with clergy trailing along behind it waving incense to remove any residual poltergeist activity.

Also, maybe we should investigate just what Julio Lugo was doing as the incident occurred. I'm sure he had a hand in screwing things up somehow.

P.S. Yes, I am pretending that whole St. Louis series just didn't happen. Except this.

Comments

[Jennifer]

You know, when he did the 'stache thing earlier this season, it was a hitting streak 'stache that he finally shaved in, I think, late April. I don't know what the hell he's doing with this one now. He went 1-for-12 against A-ball pitchers in last week's rehab stint, which wouldn't seem to be cause for new facial hair growth.

Unless he started growing it to try to get a hit, and he's not shaving it until he does. In which case, I just might beg Masterson to spot him a single.