Here's the thing. We think we're creative and "zany" with our little IBW over here. And then...something like this comes along, and shortly after it the terrifying realization that even the mightiest strainings of our severely twisted imaginations have not even come close to doing the real guys justice.
I may be the last person in Western civilization to see this, but I don't care. And I could just link 'er up and let it speak for itself--but I can't let it go at that. No, for my enjoyment of this video will never be complete until I have fully analyzed it, explicating it like the great work of art that it is--for lo, one day it will not be on the Internet anymore, I can't figure out how to save it to my hard drive, and I'm sure there's at least one of you out there still on dial-up.
If you want to experience it completely unsullied by my observations, go now.
Those of you still reading, without further ado, I give you:
Top Ten Moments of the Cookie-Off Video 2006
10. The moment Cookie Monster first pops up behind Bronson.
9. Gabe Kapler's intensity before the competition begins. "I'm nervous. I'm nervous right now. I really am. I feel like, ah, I'm really pullin' for my cookies right now. Really, this is too much for me right now. I gotta go."
Look at his eyes. That boy ain't right.
8. Gabe Kapler's insistence that it's not a brownie.
7. When Gabe Kapler slips and calls it a brownie.
It's a brownie, I sweah!
6. Josh Beckett's uber-queer wireless Borg cellphone earphone...thing.
I'm too sexy for my hemp necklace, khaki jams and thong sandals...says Josh Beckett...
Alex Gonzalez Adam Stern (?) saying "Aroma". And "squeezabil-it-ee."
4. Mike Lowell saying "Big Chunks."
3. Bronson Arroyo saying "old-school soft batch."
Especially when you factor in that this terrifying leer directly preceded it:
But without a shadow of a doubt, the most ridiculously sublimely awesome bit of this video which is admittedly a vast and endless OCEAN of awesomeness is...
1. Trot Nixon doing the Cookie Monster.
It is not nearly as funny, of course, as actually seeing (and hearing) this amazing moment.
However, it can be a whole new dimension of funny when you pause and do screencaps of Trot Nixon's facial mannerisms.
You eyeballin' me, boy?
Trot can't be here no more.
1a. Note also the split-second appearance of Kevin Youkilis, adding his Cookie-Monster voice in a kind of uncanny duet with Trot.
Mommy, make the bad man stop!
One thing is for certain: The Yankees would never be this awesome about cookies.
Now, it may seem that I have stripped this video of all its fun, but I assure you, no amount of screencapping can dull its luster or tarnish its magic. Be not afraid--I have not even begun to mine its tender depths.
P.S. My eternal love, slavish devotion and gratitude to Marianne for alerting me to this greatness.