Kristen and I did some further discussion about Imaginary Baseball World. In fact, we went through each position player.
You there in the back, it's not very couth of you to make such a suggestion about my life, or lack thereof. I'll thank you to keep quiet.
Anyway, wanna hear it? Here it go.
Me: Terry Francona is like a family friend who's a father figure. He teases me good-naturedly but will sit down and give me advice when I need it.
Kristen: Mostly he is like a snarky uncle.
Me: Tim Wakefield and I are friends in private, but not in public. Have you ever had a friend like that? Like, someone you ignore in a group of people, but one on one, you talk together a mile a minute? No? Just me? You in the back...
Kristen: I do not believe I have an Imaginary Baseball World relationship with Tim Wakefield.
Me: I think you do, you just haven't explored it. Because you have a conception of Tim Wakefield.
Kristen: Right. I just feel like Timmy is always exasperated.
Me: Like Steve Brady exasperated?
Kristen: Less effusive. More like, "These fucking guys again."
Me: Buelly is the guy I have a HUGE obsessive crush on that I never get the nerve to actually reveal my feelings to, but whom I torture myself hanging around with all the time "as friends" and going on pseudo-dates with while he remains either clueless or avoidant.
Kristen: I now can't not think of Buelly in a sexual way. I can't not. I like, groaned in the restaurant when he was at bat and scared the crap out of [friend].
Me: Manny is probably my best friend besides David. Manny and I hang out and hardly speak, but we spend quality time nonetheless. Just sitting there with each other. Manny always does little things to show I'm important to him, like saving the seat next to him for me when we go out with a bunch of people.
Kristen: Manny totally calls at 2:15 in the morning and says, "Have you ever seen Austin Powers?" And you go, "Uh, yeah, dude. It's uh, 2:15 in the morning. Is that all you called about?" And he goes, "Do you want to come over for some Cheerios?"
Me: Johnny wants to impress me, but I constantly verbally cut him down. He kind of never gets it and somehow still thinks I'm nice.
Kristen: Johnny never shuts up. You go to the movies with Johnny and you get shushed all the time becuase he spends the entire movie going, "That was that guy who was in that movie that I saw with Manny. Did you ever see that movie?"
Me: Trot and I like each other ok, but we're always butting heads. Our personalities clash and our mutual intensity fans the flames. Secretly, I admire the shit out him, but I'd never let him know it.
Kristen: Trot storms around the house while I cook dinner and keeps going on and on about "What the hell's wrong with venison?"
Me: Kapler and I like to go and see art-house flicks and then sit at Borders for four hours debating their meaning. Kapler tends to "play devil's advocate" all the time, then ask me why I'm irritated.
Kristen: Kapler likes to hold intense discussions about religion and third world debt and things and he keeps getting frustrated when Manny starts giggling. He also wears those bifocal glasses in an attempt to make the smart people take him more seriously. Plus, he keeps petitioning MENSA to let him in even though he just misses the requirements.
Me: Millar is the guy I have the relationship with that Billy has with me.
Kristen: Millar and I are drinking buddies. We get bombed on Jack and Coke's and when we run out of that, we get frozen Coke's and ghetto Jack from 7-11 and end up stumbling down the street and going, "No, dude, be cool" as we walk by cops.
Me: I don't talk to Bellhorn much. He and I are like oil and water.
Kristen: Bellhorn keeps distracting me by yapping about Marxism and Chinese food while I'm trying to work.
Me: Edgar is a tough nut to crack. I make small talk with him sometimes, but he baffles me.
Kristen: Edgar eats TV dinners with real silverware. He cuts everything into very small pieces so that he doesn't choke. He eats them while watching Wheel of Fortune which, for some reason, fascinates him.
Me: Tek and I are simpatico. We think the same way. We implicitly understand each other. Once in a blue moon, we'll drown our sorrows together at a dark Irish bar and hold forth bitterly on the state of the world. Together, we are an unstoppable team at any board or card game.
Kristen: I plead the fifth on Tek. Except that he's totally going to have binders and spreadsheets on his daughter's prospective dates in 15 years. He'll have all their old report cards. He'll ask very sternly what the B in conduct was about in fourth grade.
Me: Dougie makes me laugh. His humor is nasty and raunchy and I love it. Dougie is the only person I know who can run up to me and fart, and I'll laugh.
Kristen: Dougie always makes jokes that are slightly off-color and he's a little too loud. One time, he laughed so hard at his own joke that he choked on an egg roll.
Me: Curt Schilling and I are secretly lovers. Like, ultra-secretly. Like, I'd perjure myself in court about it. But it's true and kind of everyone knows it, but I get very angry if anyone hints about it and will swear up and down it's not happening.
Kristen: I can't watch CSPAN with Curt Schilling because he talks over it. And not like normal people do when they just yell at the TV. Curt actually tries to reason with it all, "Yes, Senator, I see your point, but what I'm saying is this." And if you roll your eyes at Curt, he scolds you. And you do not want to be scolded by Curt.
Me: I am constantly defending Matt Clement from hazing and torture by his teammates. I mean, constantly. But usually after I get done breaking up some nastiness, Clement will turn to me in gratitude and I'll give him the hand and walk away, cause damn. The guy doesn't deserve to suffer a lethal wedgie, but he is annoying.
Kristen: Matt Clement is fond of peanut butter and fluff sandwiches. But he's allergic to nuts so you have to get soy peanut butter. And he doesn't like the seedy things in jam so he has to go for fluff. But, naturally, it always get stuck in his goatee. They need to be cut into triangles.
Me: David Wells and I hate each other. We have had to be separated on a number of occasions. David Wells is an asshole and a bastard and I'd bite him in the neck if I could.
Kristen: David Wells, surprisingly, is quite a giggler.
Me: Wade Miller and I had one exchange that was fraught with misunderstanding, and haven't talked since.
Kristen: Wade does the scene from Taxi Driver in the mirror all the time. Like, all the time. It doesn't work for him, becuase he's balding and not tough, but god bless him, he tries.
Me: Mike Timlin and I like to go to arcades together and play shooting games till our fingers are numb and he's chewing his gum like he wants to murder somebody. I'll laugh at him and he'll snap, "What?" And then we'll have a twenty-minute issue over just what I thought was so funny. Then we go pull pranks at a mall food court. Then we go sit outside a convenience store and smoke and holler at passerby.
Kristen: Timlin and his wife are totally always going at it in the clubhouse. The whole rest of the team is so used to opening a supply closet door or going into the training room and being like, "Whoops, sorry Timmy." And then they close the door and sort of gesture over their shoulder, "Just Tim and Dawn again, guys."
Me: I have a love triangle with Keith Foulke and Curt. Curt is hostile toward Keith for this reason. Keith could care less. He and I are basically friends with benefits. Sometimes I think I could really have a relationship with Keith, but this is usually when he decides to come around acting like an utter bastard-ass prick.
Kristen: Foulke and I watch hockey together. And he gets mad when I cite all the reasons that there is no need for a professional hockey team in Phoenix. He gets very intense in these arguments too. He starts getting all mad and bites his lower lip and then he just yells, "It's 'cause people don't understand!" And then you tell him, "Dude, calm down, I'm just messin' with ya." And he goes, "Uh, yeah, I know. It's just, I get mad when people don't appreciate hockey."
Kristen: I like your Papi one. Especially the part where you run into him and he gives you a huge hug and says, "What's up, baby?" He'd totally do that.
Feel free to embrace your own insanity below.
P.S. Please see also the "Which Red Sox would you want on your side in a fight?" discussion over at Kristen's.